


Usagi Evil scenes from 'Shinji Ikari, Man of Mystery'

by DBSommer



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24675130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBSommer/pseuds/DBSommer
Summary: The few scenes I wrote from an Austin Powers parody with Sailor Moon and Evangelion





	1. Chapter 1

The Usagi Evil Scenes from

Shinji Ikari, International Man of Mystery

A looooonnnng time ago I had planned a Evangelion/Sailor Moon/various cameos fusion of Austin Powers. Only I ever got to the SM scenes, which practically wrote themselves. Here is one of them.

xxxxxxx

1995

Usagi Evil cursed her luck as she and her pet cat, Luna Bigglesworth, ran for the emergency escape vehicle (cleverly disguised as the escape shuttle mascot at 'The Macross Experience'). As always, she had one nearby, planning for these occasions, namely Nerv Agent Shinji Ikari and his partner, Kyoko Soryu (who Usagi knew he was shagging, regardless of what the duo proclaimed), had once again raided the base of her latest operation in attempting world domination (all for the good of the world, of course, since she was destined to rule a Utopia called Crystal Tokyo. Only those U.N. idiots insisted *they* were in charge. Looking at the state of the world, most people would no doubt embrace her monarchial dictatorship as a vast improvement over the current regime.)

Her mental asides were slowing her down, so she quit having them and forged on ahead to the escape capsule, hitting the launch button. There was a bucking motion and Usagi felt the capsule shoot off with escape velocity, launching them into orbit.

Usagi frowned. This really was the final straw. If it wasn't for that Shinji Ikari jerk interfering with her plans, she soooooo would be ruling the world by now. But as long as that thorn was in her side, it seemed unlikely she would ever be making any progress on that front. Since her League of Problem Eliminators (which everyone annoyingly referred to as assassins), had failed on one hundred occasions to, well, eliminate the problem, it seemed she would never be rid of him.

At least for the present.

But thanks to Ami's cryogenic suspension module, there was now a way of circumventing that nasty little burr in her saddle. Of course she would have to inform her Inner Henchwomen as to the plan. And the little addition to it.

She hit the transmission button that patched her through to her main secret underground headquarters cleverly hidden in a volcano...

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"Did she die this time?" Rei 'Number Two' Hino asked the other senshi seated around the 'Evil Overlady Table' that Usagi insisted had installed in their secret base.

Ami looked at the transponder signal that was currently moving on the portable handheld computer screen in her hands. One day she would mass market the thing and make billions and billions of dollars. She had already sent a prototype to those nice people at Apple who were expressing an interest in it. "No, she survived. Again. You have to hand it to our clueless leader: she might be an inept failure, but she knows how to plot a good escape."

Minako looked over at Makoto with a thoughtful expression. "If a car battery was hooked up to your nipples and you were shocked with it, would you feel turned on or would your immunity to electricity render it meaningless?"

"Why the hell would you ask a question like that?" Makoto shouted.

"She hasn't been laid today," Haruka said.

"Please," Michiru scoffed. "She would have jumped one of us by now if she hadn't had at least some sex."

"Only one? You underestimate her sex drive badly," Artemis, occupying a space next to Minako, corrected.

"Quit feeling up my leg with your foot, Slut, or I'm going to fry your ass!" Sparks jetted from Makoto's hands.

"Hmm. Don't know if that will work out so well considering it's not all that sensitive an area, but we can give it a try." She jumped up on the table, flicked her skirt up to reveal a thong, and began wiggling her posterior in Makoto's direction.

It was at that moment the overhead viewscreen flicked on and Usagi Evil's image appeared. "Okay guys, as difficult as it is to believe, the last operation was a bust, but I managed to escape. I... Mina, what are you doing?"

"Experiments in electricity." She gave one more wiggle at Makoto.

"Furthering your education. Good for you. Being assured as future Queen of the World, I had no need for education, but it's an admirable trait in my minions."

"I'm not a minion, Meatball Head. I'm a coworker," Rei grumbled.

Usagi scowled. "That is no tone to take with your master."

Luna mumbled something in her ear.

"I mean mistress," Usagi corrected.

"I'll be happy to call you mistress," Minako volunteered.

Usagi nodded in appreciation. "You should take notes from her, Number Two. If you don't mind your manners I might promote someone else into the number two slot."

"And not be your right hand coworker? Whatever would I do?" Rei said dryly as she rolled her eyes.

Usagi missed the sarcasm in the remark. "In any case, I have news for you. Seeing as how Shinji Powers keeps mucking up my plans for global domination, and no one in my employ is able to defeat him, I have decide to think 'outside the box'. Therefore I will be putting myself in cryogenic suspension for the next sixteen years, thereby letting time lessen Powers' ability in interfering in my plans by making him an old man. He'd be in his thirties, at least. Practically with two feet in the grave."

Rei snorted in surprise. She whispered to the others, "Oh my god. She fell for it."

Ami's jaw dropped. She never really thought her brainless leader would actually follow through on such an idiotic plan when she recommended it. Really, the whole idea was absurd. On the other hand with Usagi out of the way they could run the organization far more practically. Rather than wasting billions in idiotic plots, they could invest in stable franchises, innovative technology, and natural resources. And really, if you wanted to rule the world, all you had to do was bribe a few politicians. Why bother ruling directly when you could manipulate a puppet? Lose the office? Buy the winner. Everyone with any power or influence did it.

"We'll be so sorry to see you go, fearless leader," Rei could barely restrain her laughter, nor could the others seated around the table.

"We'll have a nice going away party for you after you're gone," Haruka seconded.

Usagi's eyes teared up. "That's so nice of you guys to offer. But that won't be necessary. You see, when I revive in sixteen years, I'll still want you as my minions. But you'd be just as old as Powers, which would be really creepy. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to all to die. Today. And that way when you reincarnate you'll be at just the right age to work at my side again."

Everyone around the table jerked and looked at each other.

Usagi continued, unmindful of their concern, "To that end I had the room wired to blow with the push of this button." She pointed at one right next to her console. "So, I guess that settles thing. See you in sixteen." And with that Usagi pushed the button just as the others started to rise from their seats.

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[End scene one]


	2. Chapter 2

The Usagi Evil Scenes from Shinji Ikari, International Man of Mystery Scenes 2

xxxxxxxxxx

2011

The rebuilt secret underground headquarters of Usagi Evil once again housed the head of the organization and her Inner Henchwomen. Seated at the head of the table were Usagi, and a bald Luna Bigglesworth. Clockwise from her were women identical to the ones that served her sixteen years ago, before she atomized them. All appeared untouched over the years, save for a few minor difference she couldn't help noticing.

"Minako, you seem to be wearing a nun's outfit. I'm glad to see this time around you've decided to be somewhat less promiscious."

"Actually we run a prostitution ring out of a convent. I just got back and havn't had a chance to change."

Usagi grimaced. It was a good thing she planned on immortality or she would burn for that one. She turned to the girl next to Minako: Ami "What's with the eyepatch? Are you in charge of our pirating operations."

"It's amblyopia." Ami explained.

"That's the name of the pirate ship? That's kind of sedate. I was always partial to cool names, like Tsunami, or Titanic."

Ami held a hand to her head. "It's a condition in which the vision in one eye is weaker than the vision in the other. Also known as lazy eye?"

"I think our special weapons division can fix you up with a laser peg leg. You'd have to amputate your leg to put it on, but it would be cool. And you'd, you know, have a laser in your leg."

"God, sixteen years on ice has made you more stupid than ever."

Usagi turned in irritation toward Rei. "What are you being so bitchy about?"

"You blew me up!"

Usagi shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is. You were reincarnated. You don't see Luna Bigglesworth complaining about losing all her hair in a cryogenic mishap."

Unable to control his laughter, Artemis pointed a paw at Luna and roared out, "Hahahahha! You're bald!"

Luna lashed out with a paw of her own on a console next to Usagi. A trapdoor suddenly opened beneath Artemis and he caterwauled as he was sent down a chute.

All the senshi looked on in shock. "What was that?" Makoto asked,

Usagi explained, "Trapdoors I had installed to dispose of those who fail me. Or displease me. Or leave the toilet seat up. Not that that's a problem with any of you."

"I can pee standing up," Minako provided.

"Riiiiight," Usagi said slowly.

Artemis's distant voice shouted, "Put down that neutering kit right now!"

"In some cases it leads to places of torture rather than disposal," Usagi clarified while Luna snickered next to her.

It was then Usagi noticed Haruka and Michiru making out. "What are you two doing? You haven't become lesbians since your reincarnation, have you? Homosexuals gross me out." Usagi's hand wavered over a pair of buttons.

Haruka shook her head furiously. "Nonononono. We're, ah, cousins."

"Yes, kissing cousins," Michiru seconded.

Usagi moved her hand away from the console. "Oh, well that's okay. Carry on."

The two shrugged and began making out even more heavily.

Makoto looked at Usagi in confusion. "What do you mean homosexuals creep you out? You have the biggest collection of yaoi doujinshi I've ever seen."

"Oh no." Usagi shook her head. "Yaoi is all right since it's not about sex, but true love and spiritual joining represented through physical means. Otherwise Elricest would be just plain wrong."

"You're an idiot," Rei said.

Usagi slammed her fist on the table. "That's it! You're not Number Two anymore. You're just plain Rei. Ami, you're now officially Number Two."

"I'm a person, not a number."

Usagi did what she did best and ignored the statement. "Now what about that side project I assigned you?"

"The one about the time machine? It's over there." She pointed to a girl in a fuku leaning against a wall.

Usagi scratched her head. "That's just Setsuna."

"Yes," Ami said. "Since we already have a senshi-"

"Minion," Usagi interrupted.

"-Minion who can send anyone through time, I saw no reason to build something that was vastly expensive, time consuming, and redundant when the resources involved could be put to better use."

"You really have no idea of how an evil organization is actually run," Usagi said in a sad voice. "What about the other project?"

"Oh, that." Ami left her seat and went to a large metal door. "Well, we did extract your DNA and tried to make a clone. And we did. It sort of turned out, well, see for yourself."

Ami touched the pad next to the door and it slid open. From it emerged a being identical to Usagi, save that it looked like a small child version of her with pink hair.

"We made her from concentrated Evil, which is why she's smaller than you."

Usagi looked upon her in adoration. "I shall name her... Chibi-Me."

Chibi-Me raced over to Usagi where she picked up the mini version of her. "Isn't she adorable?"

"So's a rash if you look at it at the right angle," Rei said.

Lightning fast Chibi-Me whipped out a dagger concealed down the back collar of her outfit and threw it at Rei, who narrowly got her head out of the way as it embedded itself in the back of the chair.

"Now, now," Usagi reproached the girl. "Don't use knives: they leave blood stains. We'll get you a mini-laser. They cauterize as they go. No mess." She sat the girl in the chair next to her. "I am pleased with your efforts, Number Two. And are you certain you don't want a parrot to go with your pirate motif?"

"I'll grab a cutlass later," Ami said to placate her boss, taking her seat once again.

Usagi surveyed the others, "I have bad news. It has come to my attention that my arch-nemesis, Shinji Powers, was also cryogenically frozen in anticipation for my return. Well, that's the official reason. Rumor has it Old Man Gendou was tired of his son shagging all the hot chicks with his 'mojo', and had him put on ice so he could start scoring some. In any event, this could be a disruption to our plans, except for the fact we have a mole in their organization. And I don't mean the fuzzy an-."

"We know you mean a spy," the newly demoted Rei said.

Usagi appeared hurt. "I could have meant the animal."

"Hamsters are much more fun than moles," Minako said, giggling.

"Riiiight," Usagi said, "In any event, our mole whosenotananimal has positioned herself in a vital location in regards to the frozen Shinji Powers."

"Who's the mole?" Makoto asked.

Usagi said, "She's a critical element in their organization. Her rank is major, her blood alcohol content a steady .25. Her name is Misato Katsuragi, But everyone refers to her as... Drunk Bastard.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ritsuko Akagi recoiled at the sight of the Nerv agent sitting atop a cooler that was large enough to come with an attached dolly. "My god, Misato, you smell like a brewery."

"Thas' oonly because ah drank one."

Ritsuko stared in confusion. "Why are you talking with an ridiculously thick Scottish accent?"

"Ah've been hitting the Dark Island a wee bit hard lately." [And to save eye strain to the reader just picture all Misato talk in Fat Bastard accent]

Ritsuko gazed at the disheveled agent who looked like she had just crawled out of bed, or more likely dragged herself straight in to work after an all night pub crawl. Then again she frequently did, which was why she was assigned to watch a frozen body. "You're a mess. Clean yourself up."

Misato sneered. "Oh is that so Miss Hoity Toity? Miss Job Security Because I'm Sleeping With the Boss? Well I got news for you. I emptied the keg all by myself." She added a wet burp to her proclamation.

Ritsuko rolled her eyes in disgust and exited the room.

Misato watched as her oldest friend left. Bah. She wasn't fun anymore with the 'sobreity' thing people kept talking about. Something about what happens to you when you stopped drinking. Like that would ever happen with her. To hell with falling off the wagon: she would never get on.

And with no one around, it was time to commit her act of perfidy. Usagi Evil really knew Misato's price: Lake Biwa, the largest body of fresh water in Japan, would be replaced by beer. It nearly made her climax on the spot.

Misato pulled out the special 'tap' from her cooler. While it would indeed still work on a keg, it would also work on piercing Shinji Powers icy confinement and tap into his 'mojo' draining him dry. Hmm. She wondered if mojo mixed well with vodka.

She started the tap...

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[Hours later]

Misato entered the secret underground chamber, wheeling her cooler behind her. "Hey all. I got your mojo for you. Now how about my payment..." she trailed off as she saw Chibi-Me next to Usagi. Her eyes lit up. "Here now you look just like the little darling on a side of St. Paulie Girl." She turned to Usagi. "I'll make a deal with you, Evil. We can forget my up front payment in exchange for that wee little thing. Come on girlie, get in my cooler!"

Chibi-Me hid behind Usagi. "I think not. You can have all the access to the bar you want and we'll work on the Lake Miwa thing once we're in charge. Now about our newest scheme...

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[End note: All I have written for now. Might pick it up again someday.]


End file.
